Throwback Thursday: Is It Really Mine?

It should be mine...
...but before I make this world my b*tch; I must sift throught the bullshit, shake off the doubt, & focus my energy.
Where I am?
It's hard. It requires out-of-the-box thinking.
The way I've been programmed since birth? Impossible.
My thoughts, wants & needs were not my own. They were instilled in me. No refund or exchange.
Oppose? They dared me to.
I can't deal with kiss a$ses.
I haven't reluctantly puckered up for a$s since my mother's sperm donor (my Father) left for The Sh!tty City.
Where I am now, I adamantly refuse. I don't respect bosses that barely respect themselves, whoring their laughter & fraudulent positivity out to whoever gives them some false hope of further benefits.
Constant change?
Yea, I understand that's life.
Where I am?
It's dictated by balding white collar goons sporting size 46 waists, alligator suitcases & lunch breaks at Lakeview Golf Course.
Today, Morton told me I don't belong here. Jacobs said the same shortly after.
Comfort is one thing, but when I see light a mile away at the end, but destruction & despair within arms reach, I'm working on not being discouraged. I'm teaching myself to persevere.
The measure of a man is not how he conducts himself when things are rosey, but how he reacts when his back is against the wall.
I'm willing to die against the wall. Not limp & hopeless, but defiant & driven.
However, if it is really mine... I won't have to.

"Born alone, die alone,
no crew to keep my crown or throne
I'm deep by sound alone,
Caved inside in a thousand miles from home
I need a new n*gga, for this black cloud to follow,
Cause while it's over me it's too dark to see tomorrow..."

My Mind Spray.

My Mind Spray: Faith 'n Perspective

Perspective is a motherf*cker; Faith too.
Who's point of view are you looking through? Some people stand alone, some stand on another's shoulders, some even borrow another's binoculars, as they don't have a POV(point of view) of their own. How do you indentify what's good, what's bad? We're all sinners, meaning things can only get better. You & I can only get better. To believe that, you need faith, no?
I see good on a regular basis, & am well blessed to live amongst 2 of the greatest, most giving people I know; Rawle & Lorna Bobb. My parents.
As I write this(Sunday evening), there is a man sleeping in my basement. He's not there because he thinks my couch is the most comfortable(its not). He's not there because he likes the way the fireplace flames flicker & dance above the kindling, or even for the fiery glow it creates against the walls similar to a disco ball.
He's there cause he has nobody else.
The entrepreneur, with side hustles that had included being the top bodyguard for television's Pastor Pat Francis, is what someone would classify as "down on his luck". A diabetic that has little to nothing to eat on a regular basis, not to mention a mentally paralyzing bout with vertigo is someone who needs help.
A Man of God for many years, some would ask "Why & how could this happen to him?" From my perspective, that question is irrelavant. The fact is that; it has.
My parents do what they can, from adopting a stray cat beginning of '09 to simeltaneously inviting a down syndrome chick to live w/ us as a brief favour to Mississauga's Mayor Hazel Mac. I smile when I think about an evening I was sitting in my living room, the D.Syndrome girl, Catherine, sitting on the other couch pretending to watch TV, but really watching me from the corner of her eye. At the same time, this cat saunters by offering of itself... Well, actually offering the hair that refuses to stay on its body, leaving a trail behind 'em. I remember taking it all in thinking "What the EFF is happening to my home?" Lol
From providing breakfast, lunch & dinner to someone who has been abandoned by anyone and everyone who said they "loved" him, to taking him to the doctor; to getting subsidized housing approved for him come February, my parents have pulled out all the stops on this one. His perspective of ppl was slowly turning negative, which I think prompted him to break down in our basement. He sobbed to BobbDawgs (that's what I call my stepfather), "I have never seen the mercy & will of God so prevelant & blatant in all my years". BobbDawgs was touched.
I'm touched, cause this is my family.Faith & Perspective are mutherfuckers, man. If your perspective is clouded, it's hard to have faith. This foggy region is where I currently reside. I don't trust. I don't believe...in people. For f* sakes, my motto is:
"Manage expectations so you're never disappointed"
Along with:
"Born Alone, Die Alone, Build Yourself To Stand On Your Own".
I don't believe anyone is there for you. People are there for themselves, & if you happen to be around, then cool, have a slice. Life is a buffet, get up & get what u want. That's my POV; lifted directly from life experiences.
Faith contradicts what I believe. My parents are contradictions to my beliefs. We're in the same household, but in different worlds.
We look through different binoculars.

I think mine are clouded.

My Mind Spray: Keep It One Hun'ned

New Year 2010 = Back to Work.
It's like that first day back to our regularly scheduled programming smacks me with a little dose of reality, makes me put things in perspective.
I have breezed through the holidays with reckless abandon & here I am, back at the office wondering where the time went. Between securing deadlines & making new deals for 2010 with some excellent partners, it makes me analyze where am I now, & where am I going. More importantly as of late, who is coming with.
"Ex Sendin Latenight Txts Cause She Don't Know How To Let Go,Go,Go..."
Yesterday I went to Scarborough to a music studio w/ 1 of my homegirls, all in the name of checking out this new producer she may work with. She's an amazing chick & is damn near the female equivalent of me, therefore she's the sh*t. More importantly, I actually respect her mind more than her curves. She's synonymous with Pigs that Fly, Rare. Regardless, dude wants her to be a part of his label, make music & such. After the less than exhilerating pitch, on the way back, her & I got to talking, when the topic of "us" came up, as it normally does.
I dont mind talking about "us". I def dont mind kicking it with her. Should I mind that she has a man? Should I not worry myself with her attachments & do what I'd like? I thought about it after I left, because I've initiated actions that disrespect her situation.
I'm torn.
"My girl got a girlfriend..."
I've known this one girl for years, over a decade, however we've failed miserably at staying in touch. She's a respectable chick, pretty, has gotten it in previously w/ ZiggaZagga. I bump into her now & again, sometimes shes working the event, sometimes she's a patron. She's got a friend that I met virally, & only met in person within the last few months. She's a very dope chick too; straight up, no holds barred. Sometimes its a bit much to handle, but I manage. One has the immediate draw & attraction inside & out, but I dont know much about her anymore. The other I spend more time with & could grow to appreciate, she's a good woman, & is well rounded. Decisions...I strongly believe that you don't lose women chasing money, but you lose money and sometimes sight of your priorities chasing women. That's what the picture means to me. I think, therefore I am single. Real talk.
My homegirl from LA, just moved to NY, & she's on my ass about my female companions. This is what made me consider it in a serious fashion. Her being a chick from my past, (circa '97) she knows me, & is steady tryna find out who I'm with to get a better understanding of who I am today, as she says my surroundings should accurately reflect my being, who I am.
Do I not know myself because I don't know who I am with?
As my mind spray, I'm torn...still.